two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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