I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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