As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
