It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
