if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
She just used a chaser for red wine.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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