Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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