I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
