This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
