Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
