My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
