Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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