i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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