Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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