I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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