I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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