dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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