She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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