If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
