when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
