got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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