after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
