She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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