I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
