I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
