you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
