I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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