so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
