The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
