you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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