He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
