The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
