i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
