Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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