So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
