just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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