What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
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