this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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