I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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