watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
