Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
