I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
