she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Can vaginas get frostbite?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
