im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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