she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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