the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
