They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
