Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
