I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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