Banned from zoo.
Again?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
