you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Randomize
