Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
