Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
