apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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